If you were a member of the Titanic....

Rarely do I have dreams to reveal things about my life and such, but last night I think I got close to that status.  I dreamt that I was in the time of famous Titanic.  The interesting thing was that I was a time traveler.  Meaning, though I was in the 1900's I was clearly from 2012.  The other very distinct thing was though I was most definitely Katie Ludlow.  I was also Rose from the Titanic.  This is where it gets slightly confusing and complicated.  I knew that I was not going to make it off of the Titanic, even though Rose survived.  And the main reason was that I didn't have a "Jack" in this time of Titanic.  I had no one who loved me SOOO much that they would do anything to make me survive.  The sad thing is that i made this realization before I even boarded the Titanic.   Because of this fact, I had to do a lot.  (Cue though provoking parallels to my life)  I had to finish my one class, so I could "graduate" college.  This is very clear to it's meaning.  I am so incredibly nervous that I will not graduate because of one reason or the other, but mostly that I will fail this one class I am in.  I also had to make sure I contacted all my family.  This is fairly obvious to it's meaning, but it does reassure me that if I was ever in the situation that I may not see these people on earth again, that they love me despite anything.  Finally it goes back to my Jack predicament.  There were several guys in my dream that I think were suppose to fulfill that role, but none of them stuck to it.  I feel like it reflected how I don't feel like any man will be able to love me for what I am.  That I am an amazing friend, which only goes to a point.  Maybe this is too deep of  a reading of a simple dream, but it was interesting to think about.

"I cannot imagine any condition which would cause a ship to founder. I cannot conceive of any vital disaster happening to this vessel. Modern ship building has gone beyond that." ~Captain Smith Titanic

A memory to never forget.

I was just thinking about my past and random moments in time.  I mind fell upon my senior musical.  I played the dynamic character Donna Thompson. A high school gothic duct tape groupie.  I was thinking about how I had a good level of disappointment when I initially found out what my part was.  I however had the best role in the play.  We would get an ovation after a first entrance.  I was thinking about that fact and remembered how my little sister came EVERY night.  And after that first awesome applause, she was the one who made sure it continued night after night.  I love my little sister.  She is amazing.  Why forget this wonderful moment, when I can write it down.

"Duct Tape! Makes the world better!" ~Muscial! The Bard is Back

Committing to a Better Life

I am back again on this blogging thing after nearly two years of blogging silence.  I however, decided that I needed to make some serious changes in life and blogging was a good way to help me along the way. 

I am nearly the end of college life here in wee Rexburg.  I walk for graduation in July then student teach in the Fall.  It is crazy to think that I will be done with this part of my life.  I am have a hard time completely comprehending that a great  time in my life is ending.  I have built such an awesome life here. I have some of the  best friends a person could ask for,  a great rep. in the theatre dept., tons of great success stories and strife behind me.  Why end something so awesome?

A few weeks ago I was faced with some very intense things.  I realized all of my student slacking-ness left me in a GPA mess.  I will, even with a absolute A in my one class, have a 2.9 GPA.  I technically have to have a 3.0 to student teach.  I was faced with the true reality of my stupidity. I have these long 5 years, been involved and part of some great things.  However, I have let my grade continually slip down as the semesters slip by.  To make a long story short, I petitioned for my allowance into student teaching and it was granted.  Despite this the consequences I was feeling, and wanted to feel were intense.  It made me realize just HOW scared I am about graduating.  I was very grateful to have prayers, friend's advice, parental reprimanding, and blessings to get me through.

The sad thing, is that I can still see that my commitment level to change is very VERY low.  I cannot figure out what my problem is exactly, but I do see I Need to Change.  Now. 

I had an interesting experience this weekend.  It was my good friend and brother to my roommate/best friend's wedding.  I tirelessly helped in the decorating and setting up saturday morning, and then got to party it up with friends saturday night.  I did, though, got to me a very amazing lady.  Joyce.  She is Alex's step-grandma.  She is fairly soft spoken lady with a lovely english accent.  Alex had told me about the fact that she is has the gift/talent to "read" people.  Kristin and I had voiced our interest in this being done to us.  So we found an opportunity at the reception.  Joyce, Alex, Kristin, and myself found a quite room to sit in and chat.  We told next to nothing about us. She "read" Kristin, which was very cool.  She talked about Kristin being married, and being very successful teaching etc... all very happy things.  Then it was my turn.  Almost the first things she said to me was, "You're grades are slipping."  As the story above illustrates, this is very much the case.  She continued one talking about how I need to recommit myself to school, to responsibilities and especially to my Health.  She pretty much reprimanded me for a good 15 minutes about how there are a lot of things I need to change about my life style and my mentality about things.  She was saying things that I matched the wording of things I had talked to my room mate about.  In particular my perception of myself and what I think men are thinking of me.  That the reason, dating is impossible, is that I think guys just see my weight and that's it.  She told me that I needed to make some lifestyle changes especially in the Health department to see real change in my life. Though it was something I had always known, it was interesting hearing it from a practical stranger.  I NEED to make these changes.  NOW!

The last few things she talked about was a little of my future.  That I would eventually find a husband.  That he would be in theatre also,  a professor.  That together we would be successful in theatre and in my endeavors as a teacher.  Though this part I am not going to but a whole lot of stock into that information, it was nice to hear.

and finally:  She told me how I needed to not forget my potential.  That I will be able to do a lot with my life, that I need to make a few better decisions now, then I will be able to be truly successful.

This along with several other talks, advice, occurrences, spiritual times that I have experienced over the past two weeks, I know this the answer to my prayers.  Me changing now, is the thing in which my future and success hinges upon.  I need to commit!  I need to be better!  I need to trust the Lord.

"Trust God, Love me, and Mend" ~ Benedick "Much Ado About Nothing"